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The truth of single knob control

Last week I wrote about Transformational Vulnerability. A key component to vulnerability is a willingness not to numb our feelings. It reminded me of a piece I wrote many years ago and I thought it might be helpful to share again.

Attempting dual knob control on a single knob function does not work. I see people trying to do this all the time, and as you may guess, it doesn’t work. I am not talking about home appliances or electronic gadgets of some sort; I am talking about feelings.

Many people seem to think that our feelings come with one knob for “happy” feelings and another for “sad” feelings. They generally want to turn up the knob for “happy” feelings, and turn down the knob for “sad” feelings.

But life isn’t like that. Either you turn all feelings up or you turn all feelings down. There is only single knob control when it comes to feelings. Pretending otherwise only makes things worse.

I’ve often worked with people who do not want to deal with a loss, such as a loved one who has died. They pretend on the outside that everything is fine. They attempt to turn down the sad feelings and replace them with happy ones.

Deep inside they know that this is not working – and they continue to do it. It is all they know how to do. They eventually have an underlying depression that can no longer be pretended away.

The first step in recovery is to acknowledge that there is only a single knob. If you want to feel happy again, then you must be willing to turn the single knob on, to work through the pain that will lead through growth to happiness and joy again.

As you are willing to embrace the intensity of the pain, you will gradually restore all your feelings to a higher and livelier setting.

The tracings of an EKG show life to be a combination of both the highs and lows. Attempting to flatline your feelings could cost you your life.

Originally Published – 2/09/96

No Comments by on November 3, 2010
filed in Dialogue Skills, metaWisdom, Personal Development

Transactional and Transformational

Every time we engage with another, we can make a choice as to whether it is only transactional, or also transformational. Let me provide a real life example. Several years ago, I was on a plane headed back to the OC from San Francisco. I noticed an attractive woman and three boys sitting across the aisle from me. The oldest boy had found the little blue bag in the seat pocket in front of him and announced to all he had found “the barf bag.” The seemingly embarrassed woman scolded him for broadcasting his discovery. In support of the young man, I looked at her from across the aisle and with a smile confirmed that it really was a “barf bag.” We are now married!

OK. Every transaction may not be as transformational as meeting your future spouse. And we always have the opportunity to be present in the moment, and allow for the simple act of giving and receiving from each other. What distinguishes transactional moments from being transformational is what I would call transformational vulnerability. It is the ability to be heart centered in the midst of anything and everything. It is a choice and skill that acknowledges how mindfulness of our interactions can transform us in any moment. When we are conscious and intentional of living in our heart, then we co –create this vulnerability with others.

I was once leading a retreat for about one hundred physicians. I was exploring with them the concept of being care providers and care receivers. Most of their training and practice had been on what they were providing, not so much on what they might receive. I invited them to discuss this further in small groups. When I gathered them back as a large group, I inquired about their conversations. Immediately, an older physician raised his hand to share. He posed his sharing in the context of a question. “If we are going to be care receivers and care providers, don’t you think the first thing we need to do is to become vulnerable?” “Yes!” I responded. I still believe it is true. How about you?

No Comments by on October 26, 2010
filed in Leadership, Personal Development, Spirituality in Workplace
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Addition AND Subtraction

When I was in elementary school, I was told that addition and subtraction were complementary operations in math.  Whatever number I add to zero, if I subtract the same number, I return to zero. When the operations are used together, they balance each other.

Living in a predominantly consumer society, there is a dominant cultural story of addition. We are told we need more of almost any product or service.  More is better. We are increasingly busy with almost every aspect of our lives, because we keep adding, without ever subtracting. In business, we are asked to add more initiatives, priorities, goals and metrics all the time. Very seldom are we asked to subtract anything along the way of all of this addition.

When more is seen as better, then subtraction can appear to be outright counter cultural. Within the collective wisdom of most spiritual traditions, subtraction is an essential component of a balanced life. The wisdom of consciously reflecting on what is most important, and deciding to let go of what is not, is a fundamental spiritual practice that is applicable to all areas of our lives.  When we include subtraction as a complementary operation, it moves us out of the dominant cultural story of unconscious more, and invites us into a reflective practice of discerning what is truly important for intentional living.

More is not always better. Sometimes more is just more. I invite you to take a look at all areas of your life and see where some subtraction may be helpful. And when you are asked to add something, reflect on whether it really adds value for you. When we subtract the unconscious clutter, and only add what is of value to us, we are back to the basics of intentional living. Sometimes, it’s as easy as addition and subtraction.

No Comments by on October 21, 2010
filed in Collective Wisdom, Leadership, Personal Development, Quality Improvement, Spirituality in Workplace

Bring it All – October Newsletter

Here is the download of the premier issue of my newsletter, Working Better – Together.  It contains my reflections and synthesis on the practical application of collaborative leadership and co-innovation within organizations.  You are invited to join the dialogue here.  Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Working Better – Together October Newsletter

6 Comments by on September 29, 2010
filed in Collaboration, Engaging Stakeholders, Leadership, metaWisdom, Newsletters, Spirituality in Workplace

The era of Co-Innovation

I was recently having a conversation with an executive from the C-suite who mentioned that she was disappointed with recent consultants because they did not “solve” their problems. When the consultants told them what to do, that did not work. She began to question the value of consultants. Upon reflection, it was an intriguing comment on several different levels for me.

First of all, I am a principal of a consulting company and was disappointed to hear of a negative experience about the consulting profession.  It reminded me of when I was a practicing as a therapist and would hear about people’s negative experience of therapy.  Rather than be defensive, I came to realize that not everyone has a positive experience of any service by any group of professionals. The same is true of consulting.

On another level, I was not surprised to hear that the consultants were unsuccessful at “solving” the problems in the organization. In the passing world of command and control work environments, telling people what to do is becoming less successful.  It is like being a parent. There comes a time when “Because I said so!” is no longer effective. And from a developmental perspective, this is good for our children, and our employees. It means they are beginning to think for themselves, and are becoming more self- directed. It is time for a new strategy.

Co-Innovation is where consultants begin to utilize collaborative engagement strategies that are participative and appreciative. At Emergent Success, we facilitate the emergence of collaborative solutions from within an organization so that those who own the strategic implementation and accountability have co-created the solution.” We don’t “solve” your organizational problems. We help you to facilitate the collective wisdom from within and co-create your own solutions. I learned from experience as a therapist, parent, coach, and a “co-innovation” consultant that these are the most successful and sustainable solutions, because they will be with the individual and/or organization longer than I will.

Liberating the answers from within is one the hallmarks of the era of “Co-Innovation”.  In this blog space I will take time to explore many others. Let the era of “Co-Innovation” be unleashed!

No Comments by on September 23, 2010
filed in Collaboration, Collective Wisdom, Engaging Stakeholders, Leadership, Quality Improvement

Hard work area ahead – Find some great music!

The areas of: thinking, emotions, mindsets, beliefs and behavior have often been given a misleading name in the business world.  Naming these areas as “soft” skills was a way of dismissing their importance in relation to the dominant view of more ”measurable”  areas like those of  accounting and production. From a whole systems perspective, we are invited to see the interconnectedness of everything. And naming any distinct skill as hard or soft is more deceptive than helpful.  The hard work ahead is to see and practice all leadership skills as an integral whole.

Developing and integrating a full spectrum of leadership skills is one of the greatest challenges we face in organizations. As a seasoned consultant shared with me the other day, we are not seeing a plethora of great leadership in most organizations. Doing “more of the same” in regards to process and training will get us – “more of the same” results. Leadership training as an individual and collective practice will have to change to meet the new demands of our global economy.  And if you are inclined to agree with Gary Hamel, we will need to co-create organizations that are “as flexible and adaptive as change itself.”

This will not be a “soft” change. It will be the hard work of transformation. This kind of change is going to be from: the inside out, bottom up, the head to the heart, local to global, competitive to collaborative, mine to ours, and selfish to sustainable for all. It is not for the faint of heart and wannabe leaders, or as the kids might language it – posers. This is a transformational call. It is going to ask each of us to move out of our individual comfort zone/ego, and work better together, for the benefit of all.

When I was young, my mother was a single parent with four children. The cleaning and upkeep of our home, to my mother’s Belgian/Lithuanian standards, was hard work. However, when it comes to hard work, I did learn a few important lessons. It is always easier to do with others than just by yourself.  I think that lesson is applicable here. I also learned that it is more enjoyable to work hard to great music. Hit the play button and let’s get this transformation started!

1 Comment by on August 13, 2010
filed in Leadership, Personal Development

What if we were all connected?

Years ago, I was invited to be the main speaker for a family retreat in Santa Barbara. They wanted me to address family systems theory for the group. At the time, I was teaching family systems theory for Pepperdine University at the Graduate School of Education and Psychology (GSEP). This seemed like a very simple request for someone with my background and expertise. The zinger, and you know there was one coming, was that my audience would be anywhere from – seven to seventy. Wow!

Personally, I love challenges to do things differently. Well, this was a wonderful opportunity. I knew I had to keep it simple and I had to engage the younger audience right away. So, I asked for six to eight children to come up front and help me with a demonstration. The young folks came forward and were happy to “play” with me in the front of the room. I asked each of them to engage in a physical activity that could be done in the space we had available. The variety of activity included: running in place, spinning clockwise, spinning counterclockwise, walking back and forth across the space both diagonally and side to side, and standing still. At my instruction, they would begin their physical activity and then I would ask them to stop. They were ready and the room was filled with curiosity and anticipation.

I signaled them to begin and the chaotic activity and fun began. After about thirty seconds, I asked them to stop. The audience still did not “get” what I was trying to do. For the second part of the exercise, I asked everyone to do the same exact thing as before, except with one minor modification – they had to be holding hands. Once they were all connected, I asked them to repeat their activity. It was priceless as the chaos and laughter of the group ensued. Now they got it! In family systems theory the belief is that we are all connected. We are all influenced by each other in the system. This worked so well at the family retreat; I adopted it for graduate school!

From a systems and/or ecosystem perspective, we are all connected. We see it in nature, politics, business, our communities and our families. So often, we have thought and acted as if we weren’t, with very terrible intended and unintended consequences. I think that we are beginning to realize what the children realized when they held hands: we are all connected and therefore I cannot pretend what I do/we do, does not impact everyone. We are not separate from the rest. We are all part of a whole. As Albert Einstein said, it is “an optical delusion of consciousness’ to think otherwise.

1 Comment by on August 4, 2010
filed in Collaboration, Leadership

A Sustainable Relationship with Time

“If you fight with time, time always wins. Better to befriend it, because time is inseparable from yourself.”    Lama Surya Das, New Dharma Talks

So, how conscious are you of your relationship with time? What is the relationship that you currently have? What would you like to co-create together going forward?

When I was younger I was relatively unconscious of my relationship with time. So, I had a tendency to over commit myself. Upon reflection, I think this was influenced by a few things.

First of all, I thought I had an unlimited amount of time, because I felt like I had unlimited energy. One of the great gifts of youth is such an abundance of energy. As we grow older, and hopefully wiser, we learn that time and energy are not infinite resources. They are finite and we must honor them in a way that allows us our own sustainability.

Another influence on my relationship with time was that I was single. My time was my time. I would often say to clients, when I was a therapist that if you want to always do what you want to do, that it might be best to be alone.  When I am sharing part of my time with another, then my time is shared with your time and we must co-create our time. Now what this really means is that I have less time for just me and more time for us. That is sometimes an adjustment for folks!

A deeper insight into my youth was that being busy, and being of service to other people was important to my self-esteem. Therefore, I had a tendency to overextend myself. Based on my desire to be helpful to others, in order to be seen as a person of service (ego), I took on more than I had time for. The unconscious part of this was that time was not the problem, my desire to be liked as a person of service was. Once I figured this out through the help of spiritual direction, I was able to consciously choose a different relationship with time. Quite simply, I learned to say no to things. And to my surprise, the world did not come to an end!

As my relationship with time matured, I learned to pay more attention to how I was doing the relationship. As Surya Das says, “Better to befriend it, because time is inseparable from yourself.” Instead of blaming time as the problem, I came to see that how I managed my relationship with time was the key. If you think about it, we always have the same amount of time, everyday. The amount of time never really changes. How we manage our relationship with time is what changes. And how we see time is what changes us.

No Comments by on July 28, 2010
filed in Motivating Change, Personal Development

Seeking Rhythm in the Dance of Life

I have been a long time fan of the poet, David Whyte, since I met him in 1992. In his latest work, The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship, he addresses the disconnected dualism of the modern conundrum of work-life balance, and instead offers a trinity of relationships – work, self and relationship/other. To borrow a concept from Trinitarian theology, he frames the three relationships as – distinct, but not separate. They all are mutually supportive conversations that co-create each other.

I have never liked the language of work –life balance. It is a dualistic view that creates an ongoing battle that is never won. Balance is commonly defined as a state of equilibrium. In the complexity of life, where change is the constant, finding a state of equilibrium is elusive at best and horribly frustrating, most of the time. I agree with David Whyte that we need to reimagine it. Work-life balance as a concept does not work. Let it go and make space for something more helpful.

A bigger and more connected picture is to view these three relationships in their complexity and wholeness. Finding the rhythm amongst them  is learning to dance the subtleties of their interaction with each other.  It is here, in this space of movement and pauses, that they are re-imagined as a collective whole seeking rhythm with one another in the dance of life – your life. I encourage you to read the book and allow the reimagining to begin. Enjoy the wholeness of who you are.

No Comments by on July 16, 2010
filed in Personal Development

Stop, there is something to see here!

I was having an energizing and engaging conversation with a friend and colleague the other day.  We were talking about how so many folks seem to be operating out of fear, and are looking at their life through a very narrow and constricted lens.  It is as if you want to be the” broader perspective police” and instruct folks, “Stop, step away from the curb, there is more to be seen here!” Thanks Dan!

When we are caught in fear and anxiety, we have a tendency to narrow our focus and lose perspective. This is a legacy gift from our ancestral past, when fear and anxiety were stimulated by threats that could be life ending.  Most of what we experience today does not come with such profound potential.  So, the instinctual responses of freeze, fight or flight, do not help with our more complex concerns. Being reactive is less helpful when complexity is knocking at the door of your concerns.

A more helpful choice is to respond, not react, by pausing for a moment and taking a good look around the entirety of the situation.  Instead of reacting to what is immediately in front of us, pause and look around to assess a broader perspective.  The benefits being that we see ourselves more systemically – connected to the whole. We are not just our isolated selves in the midst of some random chaos. We are connected to a larger whole of relationships with others.  And what I choose to do in response to my concerns, effects all my connections in the environment – intended or unintended.

There is not only the issue of what we have to give to the broader system; there is what we can receive. Take a broader perspective and see who and what is available to you – what do “we” have to offer you. All of this reminds me of and African proverb. “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”  Let’s go far together.  It is the only way we will be able to sustainably solve the complex and systemic problems we face together in the world, our work, and our relationships.

Stop! There is something to see here – it is us connected. Our innate connection to the whole gives me hope.

1 Comment by on July 9, 2010
filed in Collaboration, Leadership, Personal Development
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