One of the fundamental tenets of Emotional Intelligence (EQ), popularized by Daniel Goleman, is self-awareness. We can never be self-aware if we do not pause. It is the pause, in the midst of all that calls us to be busy, that allows self-awareness to find a grounding place where we can be at home with our selves. Until we clear out the space for self-awareness, EQ has no place to take root and grow.

When emotions are allowed to be in charge, we are held captive to a bombardment of incessant reactions that trigger unintended consequences and collateral damage to ourselves and others. If we have not experienced this for ourselves, we have certainly witnessed it, and it is never pretty. Emotions, by their nature, want to move us to action. OK. Let them move you to a pause, and not a reaction.

Our bodies are full of cues as to what we are feeling at any given moment. When we take the time, we discover that there are specific physical cues for any of our emotions. For instance, I know that I tend to carry any stress in my shoulders and neck. When I am starting to feel frustrated, I begin to move my head from left to right as a way to alleviate the stress. And it is a physical cue for me that something is frustrating me! I have learned to pay attention to this.

So, when I feel the frustration, I move to action and take a deep breath. My emotions want me to act, and I am happy to accommodate them. I just choose to do something that also works for me. It is a win/win! And in the deep breath, I am able to take advantage of the pause and make a choice between reaction and response. In the deep breath, I ground myself and inquire about what I want to choose. The pause facilitates my self-awareness and creates the space for a response that is beneficial to me and others.

How do you pause for EQ?

We seem to have created an insatiable desire for specific and granular knowledge about ourselves. Hardly a day goes by that someone does not mention another: tool, instrument, survey, theory, and lens that we could use to better understand ourselves and others. In our search for greater clarity and discrete knowledge, are we missing the forest for the trees?

When I was working as a therapist, I had a client who read or was reading almost every self- help book you could name. She had an enormous amount of knowledge about how to understand herself. And she wanted even more. The activity of acquiring more knowledge kept her so busy; she never had time to apply it. Knowledge seeking had become a wonderful distraction to discerning how to wisely apply what she had learned.

In my work with groups and organizations, I sometimes believe that we are missing the Wisdom for the Knowledge. Being able to see the granularity is helpful, if we are able to zoom out and also see how it influences the bigger picture. Sometimes, we are distracted by interesting but not relevant information and get lost in the trees. Let’s find the wisdom – together.

There is a Confucian saying that states by three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. I propose that we go the noblest route and use the path of reflection.

Reflection is an activity that allows us to pause. It is disruptive to our regularly scheduled distractions that can have us missing the forest for the trees. In the pause of reflection, we can ask the deeper questions that allow for wisdom to emerge. Let reflection assist your knowledge to find the wisdom it seeks. And let’s explore this method for learning wisdom – together.