There is nothing inherently wrong with all the OUT – put of our communication. The problem is when we don’t balance it with the IN –put of listening. In my work as an executive coach, I find that most leaders need more emphasis on the listening, rather than the telling.

When we choose to listen to folks, I mean really listen, by giving them our full attention, we honor them and hear them like never before. In the listening experience we create a welcoming hospitality for the other person and their thinking. And if we have listened deeply, we probably respond with more questions for deeper shared understanding. Listening allows us to explore our curiosity about others. It is foundational to building the professional and personal relationships we all want.

Listening is not just suspending my own ideas and thoughts until the other person is done speaking and/or takes a breath. (And now that there is a break in the action, let’s get back to my talking/input.) Listening is the bridge we offer to others to cross over from the land of you or the land of me, into the land of us. Listening is the bridge to a place that we co-create together. In our place of shared understanding and curiosity, is where relationships are built, where collaboration can happen and trust flourishes. How often are you extending the bridge of listening to others?

In-N-out is not just a great name for a hamburger chain. It is a good way to think about communicating as a leader. Lead with the IN of listening and let the OUT of telling come primarily from others. In-N-out communication facilitates the better leadership and collaboration we need and desire. Try some today!

At his memorial service on February 12th, the last thing that was shared with the group at the reception was that Jack’s favorite song was Over The Rainbow. Then they had someone play and sing the Israel Kamakawiwo’ole “IZ” version – Over The Rainbow/ What A Wonderful World. I recognized it right away because I have a playlist of different versions of Over The Rainbow. It is a favorite of mine and I am listening to it as I write this.

I knew that I wanted to write something to remember Jack. I just couldn’t, until I heard this music. If you ever saw the sparkle in his eye and the glisten in his smile, you can imagine with me that he had been over the rainbow and knew that, “the dreams that you dare to dream, really do dare to come true”. Whether that was about his family and/or his passion for healthcare reform, he was a believer in dreams. He knew in his heart and bones what was possible for you as an individual, and when a community came together to co-create change. Loving God and others as himself was not a commandment for Jack as much as it was a way to inhale and exhale being in love.

One of the many endearing qualities of Jack was that he loved to use drawings to explain complex thoughts, and one of his favorites was the use of circles. He often used three concentric circles, being a Trinitarian kind of guy, to capture the broader view of the individual, organization/community, and society. Jack was an inclusive guy. He never saw folks any other way than as belonging and that is why we all felt cherished by him. I miss him dearly.

The Community We Are Called to Be – Jack Glaser

To be a community that serves, that speaks, that celebrates and prays in such a way that others – regardless of their religious belief – encountering this community experience a revelation of life’s deepest truths…about human dignity, community, success, power, growth, sacrifice, love, suffering, debility and death. Experiencing a harmony between their heart’s deepest resonances and this community’s character, persons go from this encounter more healed, more whole, more able to live, to love, to hope and to die.

This past weekend, the last weekend in January, it was unusually warm and sunny in southern California. I took a breath-taking bicycle ride on Pacific Coast Highway to Huntington Beach pier. It felt like the summer and the crowds gave the same impression. I was having a snack before getting back on my bike, when I noticed a group of folks standing around a man and what appeared to be a large tusk of some sort on the ground. It looked to be about twelve to fifteen feet long and continued to draw a crowd. Since it was on my way back, I thought I would see what all the excitement was about. When I got closer, I had to chuckle, “my tusk” seemed to have transformed into a yellow python!

Upon reflection, I could not understand all the initial excitement about a “tusk.” Now that I could see that it was a python sprawled out on the warm sidewalk, people reacting to such a large snake in a public space made a lot more sense. And what appeared to be folks touching the “tusk,” were actually people petting the snake. Maybe my perception had been influenced by too much Antiques Roadshow. Perception and what we see can make all the difference.

How might you look at your current situation differently? Would it be helpful to shift the focus a little closer and/or would a wider angle view do the trick? I don’t know the answer for you. And I do know that it can make the difference between seeing a tusk or a python!

Usually it is best for the fisherperson to know what has a particular fish biting. When it comes to conscious leadership, it is best that you know what has you biting. The distinction between us and the fish is that we are not left to instinctual reaction. We can choose a response. Because when we get hooked and react, our reaction often ends up as a less than tasty dish of regret.

If you think you are unaware of what lures work best with you, ask family and/or close friends for their feedback. They have observed what “works” best to hook you. If you are lucky enough to have children, and best if they are teenagers, then just pay attention to what they are using. They have been fishing these waters all their life and have a lot of local knowledge. Although be warned that some people who fish are a little reluctant to disclose their secrets. It happens.

If we are conscious of what we have a tendency to bite, then we can pause and choose how we would like to respond. An approach I recommend is to take some deep breaths, and avoid the temptation to bite by speaking, and instead, choose to listen. Listening allows us to think and ground ourselves in discerning how to respond, if at all. See the bait and hook, pause and swim around in the reflective waters that still you, and make a choice that allows you not only survive, but thrive. An attractive lure may get our attention, and knowing that it could hook us, allows us to swim onto another tantalizing conversation. When we choose to not bite, we choose to swim more freely another day.

Even though we are a wonderful blend of being and doing, we have a tendency to focus more on the doing, and less on the being. Quite simply, it is easier to do so. That is why there is such an emphasis on being in spiritual practices. It creates a counter point to our natural inclination to be better givers than receivers.

Giving allows us to feel as if we are doing. And being is what allows us to receive. When we are present, in our being and doing, then we have created the conditions where love can be both given and received. There is a wonderful exchange on a human level that mimics our giving and receiving of the divine. And the common thread for this to happen both within the human and divine is to be courageous in our vulnerability.

When we are vulnerable then we can receive, both in the human and divine. So whether your next encounter is with god, a co-worker, a client, or a stranger the key to receiving will be your vulnerability, your willingness to both receive and give in the encounter, your willingness to honor the being and doing of the moment.

Even though who are you starts as a being question, who we are happens by how we are. Who you are is that paradoxical blend of both your being and doing. As with all paradoxes, it behooves us to pay attention to both – at all times. Sometimes being/doing the answer can be as challenging as the question itself.

As clinicians, we predominantly engage folks in conversations. And for the most part, we are the primary technology in the room. Transformational Dialogue is a particular kind of conversation that co-creates an environment where change and transformation can emerge. The essential elements of dialogue, such as inquiry and advocacy, are always present. However, when ideas like mutuality, mystery, vulnerability and mastery are added, then giving and receiving for both the clinician and client may come to play. Join us for an engaging conversation of how our work with others can transform them and us in the process.

Presentation Points

One of the desired outcomes of dialogue is to co-create shared understanding. To this end, dialogue is done well when inquiry is dominating the process. Genuine inquiry is a desire to best understand others so that greater clarity is shared amongst all involved. The natural partner to inquiry in the dialogue process is advocacy. In this context, I am using advocacy to mean the process of not only sharing what I am thinking, but also my biases, influences, inferences, and lenses that shape the thinking I am sharing.

Mutuality – One definition of mutuality is: directed and received by each toward the other. When we engage clients in the therapeutic process, we make a choice as to whether we are doing therapy to them, or with them. If we choose the path of mutuality, then we open the door to becoming both givers and receivers in the process.

Mystery – When we see the other as a mystery, then it arouses our curiosity. Inquiry is a tool for exploring the mystery of the other in a way that facilitates change. Our human/clinical curiosity is focused on better understanding the other in order to be more compassionate. And maybe the most compassionate thing we can do for/with clients is to be effective in facilitating change in their lives.

Vulnerability – As we learn how to navigate the therapeutic process, we can allow more of us to show up in the process. As we integrate such clinical essentials as theory, techniques and interventions into our practice of therapy, we are better able to practice with both our doing and being in the room. Who we are happens by how we are.

Mastery – As clinicians, we seek an expertise in being effective in both the being and doing of practicing psychotherapy. Most recognized experts in any field will tell you that their experience of gaining mastery has generated more questions than answers. It is in this spirit that we pursue both the art and science of this profession.

Bravo to you for being courageous enough to enter into the lives of others and be/do the dominant technology in the room. The courage to be transformative as a human/clinician will transform you and those who choose to break open their lives with you.

A favorite Trinitarian theme of mine is to explore the distinct, but not separate relationship between: god/spirit, self and others. With the inspiration of fire, it was rather simple to see god/spirit as fuel, self as oxygen (Always remember to put on your own oxygen mask first!), and others as heat. How we choose to love others is how we bring the heat.

The intensity of the heat is proportional to how vulnerable and passionate we choose to be with others. Little vulnerability and passion is a safe and stoic way to live, but it will never create fire. With over three decades of working with men, I have witnessed too many men who have turned the heat down so low, that they have never created a passionate and sustainable fire. It does not have to be this way.

What can men/any of us do differently? Choose to bring the heat by loving the living daylights out of others. Be vulnerable and allow yourself to be loved, just as you are. Receive the heat from others and it will fan your own flame. Give and receive more affection with family, friends and strangers. Have some fun and practice random acts of affection. Pause and think what that might look like, and commit to do it. Discover what you are passionate about and do it. You will be happier, and so will others around you.

Bringing the heat is a choice we make to set our hearts afire. When it comes to loving others, choose to bring all the heat you can muster. Gather others around the campfire of your heart and let the flames dance together.

If you have accepted the above invitation, then you have already shifted and changed. Whether you are a practitioner of meditation, self-hypnosis, contemplation, mindfulness or self –awareness, you have learned that the starting point is with the body. As human beings, our awareness is enfleshed within our bodies. And because the body and mind are connected, intertwined, braided, married with one another, they are distinct but not separate entry points into our selves. The metaWisdom of the ages is that most spiritual and self -awareness practices encourage you to start with a body change, to change your mind. As I often say in response to such enduring wisdom, that is worth paying attention to.

As we become aware of, relax, slow down the body we are able to do the same with the mind. Actually in focusing on the body, we have invited our mind to shift with us to that awareness. Now that we have everyone’s attention, body and mind, let’s continue the change process as we focus on what we desire to shift. Ladies and gentlemen, body and mind, thank you for your attention as I now direct/shift your attention to – fill in the blank.

The language of change will say that we “act our way into a new way of being” and that we “act our way into a new way of thinking”. In the spirit of the AA movement, it is the wisdom of “faking it till you make it”. This is as true for individuals as it is for organizations. How do you want to act your way into a new way of thinking? What physical activity will be your starting point?

For myself, I have always found that physical discipline around activity and exercise are foundational to me. It grounds me. And at the same time it is aspirational. If I can break through physical barriers, any other perceived barriers seem less daunting. Setting and attaining new physical goals is a concrete way to remind me that any perceived obstacle is a challenge to change. How about you?

Working Better – Together May Newsletter

Buy in does not work because it is compliance dressed up as an invitation. When we invite someone to do something, we are saying that either a yes or a no response is equally acceptable. When only a yes response is acceptable it is no longer an invitation. It is now a demand. I never really was inviting my children to do their chores. My request was not an invitation where either compliance or non-compliance was equally acceptable. And the same is true in the workplace.

When there is an initiative that leadership is looking to “roll it out” they often look for strategies to get buy in from others. Not only do they want employees to change their behavior to align with the new strategic initiative, they want them to “want to” change their behavior. You guessed it – that will cost more!

The clarity is that as an employee there will be rules that you will need to comply with if you would like to work anywhere, without consequences. Living in human society has rules. And those rules have consequences, if you do not comply. Rules are not invitations.

Collaborative engagement strategies suggest that as much as leadership desires voluntary participation in any new initiative, the sooner leadership engages employees as adults/partners in the decision making process and engagement, the more ownership and participation they will experience. I will be writing more about this in my next newsletter. In the meantime, ask yourself if you are pursuing buy in or compliance. Knowing the difference is essential to working better – together.