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Leading Better - Together

Transforming ourselves and our organizations.

Changing Lenses

A necessary skill as an executive coach and leader is the ability to change perspectives, like changing lenses, in order to understand something differently. If we change the lens through which we are looking, we see the same things – differently. And if we see what we are looking at differently, it can change us and the situation.

This past weekend, the last weekend in January, it was unusually warm and sunny in southern California. I took a breath-taking bicycle ride on Pacific Coast Highway to Huntington Beach pier. It felt like the summer and the crowds gave the same impression. I was having a snack before getting back on my bike, when I noticed a group of folks standing around a man and what appeared to be a large tusk of some sort on the ground. It looked to be about twelve to fifteen feet long and continued to draw a crowd. Since it was on my way back, I thought I would see what all the excitement was about. When I got closer, I had to chuckle, “my tusk” seemed to have transformed into a yellow python!

Upon reflection, I could not understand all the initial excitement about a “tusk.” Now that I could see that it was a python sprawled out on the warm sidewalk, people reacting to such a large snake in a public space made a lot more sense. And what appeared to be folks touching the “tusk,” were actually people petting the snake. Maybe my perception had been influenced by too much Antiques Roadshow. Perception and what we see can make all the difference.

How might you look at your current situation differently? Would it be helpful to shift the focus a little closer and/or would a wider angle view do the trick? I don’t know the answer for you. And I do know that it can make the difference between seeing a tusk or a python!

No Comments by on February 1, 2012
filed in Leadership, Mindfulness
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What Has You Biting?

You are having a conversation and someone says something that presses your button(s). The bait and hook are dangling in front of you. If you react, you may end up talking your way out of the water and straight into their net. It is a choice.

Usually it is best for the fisherperson to know what has a particular fish biting. When it comes to conscious leadership, it is best that you know what has you biting. The distinction between us and the fish is that we are not left to instinctual reaction. We can choose a response. Because when we get hooked and react, our reaction often ends up as a less than tasty dish of regret.

If you think you are unaware of what lures work best with you, ask family and/or close friends for their feedback. They have observed what “works” best to hook you. If you are lucky enough to have children, and best if they are teenagers, then just pay attention to what they are using. They have been fishing these waters all their life and have a lot of local knowledge. Although be warned that some people who fish are a little reluctant to disclose their secrets. It happens.

If we are conscious of what we have a tendency to bite, then we can pause and choose how we would like to respond. An approach I recommend is to take some deep breaths, and avoid the temptation to bite by speaking, and instead, choose to listen. Listening allows us to think and ground ourselves in discerning how to respond, if at all. See the bait and hook, pause and swim around in the reflective waters that still you, and make a choice that allows you not only survive, but thrive. An attractive lure may get our attention, and knowing that it could hook us, allows us to swim onto another tantalizing conversation. When we choose to not bite, we choose to swim more freely another day.

No Comments by on January 21, 2012
filed in Dialogue Skills, Leadership, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Spirituality in Workplace
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Who Are You?

When I started to do men’s work back in the late 80’s one of the questions we would ask guys was – Who are you? The catch was that you could not answer the question with what you did. This led to a lot of silence and struggle in articulating an answer that was not automatic and filled with descriptive titles. Who are you starts as a being question, not a doing question. Here I am decades later and the same question is still as relevant. My best guess is that it will always be.

Even though we are a wonderful blend of being and doing, we have a tendency to focus more on the doing, and less on the being. Quite simply, it is easier to do so. That is why there is such an emphasis on being in spiritual practices. It creates a counter point to our natural inclination to be better givers than receivers.

Giving allows us to feel as if we are doing. And being is what allows us to receive. When we are present, in our being and doing, then we have created the conditions where love can be both given and received. There is a wonderful exchange on a human level that mimics our giving and receiving of the divine. And the common thread for this to happen both within the human and divine is to be courageous in our vulnerability.

When we are vulnerable then we can receive, both in the human and divine. So whether your next encounter is with god, a co-worker, a client, or a stranger the key to receiving will be your vulnerability, your willingness to both receive and give in the encounter, your willingness to honor the being and doing of the moment.

Even though who are you starts as a being question, who we are happens by how we are. Who you are is that paradoxical blend of both your being and doing. As with all paradoxes, it behooves us to pay attention to both – at all times. Sometimes being/doing the answer can be as challenging as the question itself.

No Comments by on November 15, 2011
filed in Leadership, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Spirituality in Workplace

Transformational Dialogue: Where Giving and Receiving Come to Play

Presentation for M.A. Psychology Department of Clinical Training and Professional Development at Pepperdine University on November 1, 2011.

As clinicians, we predominantly engage folks in conversations. And for the most part, we are the primary technology in the room. Transformational Dialogue is a particular kind of conversation that co-creates an environment where change and transformation can emerge. The essential elements of dialogue, such as inquiry and advocacy, are always present. However, when ideas like mutuality, mystery, vulnerability and mastery are added, then giving and receiving for both the clinician and client may come to play. Join us for an engaging conversation of how our work with others can transform them and us in the process.

Presentation Points

One of the desired outcomes of dialogue is to co-create shared understanding. To this end, dialogue is done well when inquiry is dominating the process. Genuine inquiry is a desire to best understand others so that greater clarity is shared amongst all involved. The natural partner to inquiry in the dialogue process is advocacy. In this context, I am using advocacy to mean the process of not only sharing what I am thinking, but also my biases, influences, inferences, and lenses that shape the thinking I am sharing.

Mutuality – One definition of mutuality is: directed and received by each toward the other. When we engage clients in the therapeutic process, we make a choice as to whether we are doing therapy to them, or with them. If we choose the path of mutuality, then we open the door to becoming both givers and receivers in the process.

Mystery – When we see the other as a mystery, then it arouses our curiosity. Inquiry is a tool for exploring the mystery of the other in a way that facilitates change. Our human/clinical curiosity is focused on better understanding the other in order to be more compassionate. And maybe the most compassionate thing we can do for/with clients is to be effective in facilitating change in their lives.

Vulnerability – As we learn how to navigate the therapeutic process, we can allow more of us to show up in the process. As we integrate such clinical essentials as theory, techniques and interventions into our practice of therapy, we are better able to practice with both our doing and being in the room. Who we are happens by how we are.

Mastery – As clinicians, we seek an expertise in being effective in both the being and doing of practicing psychotherapy. Most recognized experts in any field will tell you that their experience of gaining mastery has generated more questions than answers. It is in this spirit that we pursue both the art and science of this profession.

Bravo to you for being courageous enough to enter into the lives of others and be/do the dominant technology in the room. The courage to be transformative as a human/clinician will transform you and those who choose to break open their lives with you.

No Comments by on November 1, 2011
filed in Dialogue Skills, Leadership, Motivating Change, Personal Development

Bringing The Heat

I recently facilitated a men’s retreat for a local Episcopal church. The theme was: Hearts Afire. For whatever reason I cannot really explain, I harkened back to fifth-grade fire prevention and somehow remembered the trinity of elements necessary for fire. If you remembered them as: fuel, oxygen and heat, then kudos to you. You would be right.

A favorite Trinitarian theme of mine is to explore the distinct, but not separate relationship between: god/spirit, self and others. With the inspiration of fire, it was rather simple to see god/spirit as fuel, self as oxygen (Always remember to put on your own oxygen mask first!), and others as heat. How we choose to love others is how we bring the heat.

The intensity of the heat is proportional to how vulnerable and passionate we choose to be with others. Little vulnerability and passion is a safe and stoic way to live, but it will never create fire. With over three decades of working with men, I have witnessed too many men who have turned the heat down so low, that they have never created a passionate and sustainable fire. It does not have to be this way.

What can men/any of us do differently? Choose to bring the heat by loving the living daylights out of others. Be vulnerable and allow yourself to be loved, just as you are. Receive the heat from others and it will fan your own flame. Give and receive more affection with family, friends and strangers. Have some fun and practice random acts of affection. Pause and think what that might look like, and commit to do it. Discover what you are passionate about and do it. You will be happier, and so will others around you.

Bringing the heat is a choice we make to set our hearts afire. When it comes to loving others, choose to bring all the heat you can muster. Gather others around the campfire of your heart and let the flames dance together.

No Comments by on October 17, 2011
filed in Facilitation, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Spirituality in Workplace

Change: The Body/Mind Connection

Take a moment and without any effort to control your breathing, just become aware of the physical sensations of the air moving in and out of your nostrils as you breathe. Be sure to consciously relax your jaw and tongue.

If you have accepted the above invitation, then you have already shifted and changed. Whether you are a practitioner of meditation, self-hypnosis, contemplation, mindfulness or self –awareness, you have learned that the starting point is with the body. As human beings, our awareness is enfleshed within our bodies. And because the body and mind are connected, intertwined, braided, married with one another, they are distinct but not separate entry points into our selves. The metaWisdom of the ages is that most spiritual and self -awareness practices encourage you to start with a body change, to change your mind. As I often say in response to such enduring wisdom, that is worth paying attention to.

As we become aware of, relax, slow down the body we are able to do the same with the mind. Actually in focusing on the body, we have invited our mind to shift with us to that awareness. Now that we have everyone’s attention, body and mind, let’s continue the change process as we focus on what we desire to shift. Ladies and gentlemen, body and mind, thank you for your attention as I now direct/shift your attention to – fill in the blank.

The language of change will say that we “act our way into a new way of being” and that we “act our way into a new way of thinking”. In the spirit of the AA movement, it is the wisdom of “faking it till you make it”. This is as true for individuals as it is for organizations. How do you want to act your way into a new way of thinking? What physical activity will be your starting point?

For myself, I have always found that physical discipline around activity and exercise are foundational to me. It grounds me. And at the same time it is aspirational. If I can break through physical barriers, any other perceived barriers seem less daunting. Setting and attaining new physical goals is a concrete way to remind me that any perceived obstacle is a challenge to change. How about you?

1 Comment by on June 11, 2011
filed in metaWisdom, Mindfulness, Motivating Change, Personal Development, Uncategorized

The New Strategic Lens – May Newsletter

Here is the download of the latest issue of my quarterly newsletter, Working Better – Together.  I invite you to share any comments.  Enjoy the reading and I hope our paths cross soon.

Working Better – Together May Newsletter

1 Comment by on May 8, 2011
filed in Collaboration, Collective Wisdom, Dialogue Skills, Engaging Stakeholders, Leadership, Newsletters, Strategic Thinking

Why “Buy In” Does Not Work

I do not like the phrase “buy in” as a parent or as a consultant. As a parent of mostly grown children, when there was a rule to be followed, I was never concerned with buy in. Whether it was chores, curfews, or how much TV time there would be, my job as a parent was to manage compliance. When I was working as a therapist, parents would tell me that they wanted their children to make their bed every day. I let them know that they could set that rule with appropriate consequences. However, when they said that they wanted their children to “want to ‘make their bed every day, i.e. get buy in, I let them know that that would cost a lot more.

Buy in does not work because it is compliance dressed up as an invitation. When we invite someone to do something, we are saying that either a yes or a no response is equally acceptable. When only a yes response is acceptable it is no longer an invitation. It is now a demand. I never really was inviting my children to do their chores. My request was not an invitation where either compliance or non-compliance was equally acceptable. And the same is true in the workplace.

When there is an initiative that leadership is looking to “roll it out” they often look for strategies to get buy in from others. Not only do they want employees to change their behavior to align with the new strategic initiative, they want them to “want to” change their behavior. You guessed it – that will cost more!

The clarity is that as an employee there will be rules that you will need to comply with if you would like to work anywhere, without consequences. Living in human society has rules. And those rules have consequences, if you do not comply. Rules are not invitations.

Collaborative engagement strategies suggest that as much as leadership desires voluntary participation in any new initiative, the sooner leadership engages employees as adults/partners in the decision making process and engagement, the more ownership and participation they will experience. I will be writing more about this in my next newsletter. In the meantime, ask yourself if you are pursuing buy in or compliance. Knowing the difference is essential to working better – together.

No Comments by on April 26, 2011
filed in Collaboration, Engaging Stakeholders, Leadership, Motivating Change, Uncategorized
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In the Midst of Chaos

After the 9.0 earthquake and tsunami in Japan, my seventeen year old daughter asked me if there are more disasters lately or does it just seem that way. I confirmed her suspicions and let her know that there have been quite a few as of late, and that I think we are entering a phase of disaster fatigue. We just don’t know what to think and feel about the latest calamity which supplanted the one that was news last week.

I am not sure if it is that the last few have been earthquakes, New Zealand and Japan, and we are just a little more sensitive in southern CA, but on the local news, the search and rescue crews seem like they were just getting back from Christchurch and then they were leaving for Japan. In the midst of the tragedy, we begin with reports of rescue and within a few days, rescue transitions into recovery. The hope for miraculous rescues fades to the background, and the grim task of recovering bodies and burying the dead is foreground.
It all seems so overwhelming…

In the midst of all this chaos, where does one continue to find hope and strength? I see it in the generosity and love of people. On the evening news tonight, Diane Sawyer was interviewing a group of survivors huddled outside in random chairs scavenged from the rubble. As the news crew approached, a survivor began offering her food, from what little they had. She informed him that they had plenty, and he continued to pass out food to her crew. This is amazing love and generosity in the midst of overwhelming chaos. It is what binds us together as one human community.

Back in my philosophy days, I learned the distinction between universal and accidental qualities. What is universal to all human beings, speaks to our essence as a human community. The accidental qualities of gender, height, weight, color, body type, nationality, etc… are what make us distinct. For us as a human community, I am grateful for the love and generosity that always emerges as a universal in the midst of any distinct chaos. In this, I always find hope.

No Comments by on March 14, 2011
filed in Mindfulness

Playing With…

I have been invited to be a “coach” for an upcoming golf tournament. There will be someone to provide “chair massages” to loosen up the participants, a professional to work with the biomechanics of the golf game, and I will provide coaching for the mental aspect of the game. As an athlete, therapist and executive coach, I feel like this will be a good integration of my skills and expertise, along with a playful way to contribute to a good cause – www.communitycourtsfoundation.org

So, let’s take a look at what might be helpful on the golf course, and any other place you desire to play well. Since my coaching focus is the mental aspect of the game, let’s first take a look at your mental approach to playing the game. The most fundamental question is: Are you playing with, or are you playing against?

A major choice you have in playing any sport is whether you are playing within yourself and with the environment you are given. It is the fundamental choice between friend or foe, collaboration or competition. When you choose to play against, everything is a win/lose proposition. This is not helpful to playing your best game because you subject yourself to constant judgment, inner criticism, and their subsequent negative emotions. This cycle of negativity can become a virtual minefield that contributes to the collateral damage of inconsistent performance.

An alternative strategy is to play within yourself and choose a mindset that facilitates your best game to emerge. The right mindset allows you to enjoy the success of playing in that mental zone of flow. Flow is a relaxed state of being where you are totally focused in the moment. It is the sport’s version of “Being in the Now.” When you are in the flow, your emotions are positive, energized and aligned with your desired task. And as a wonderful bonus, a distinguishing characteristic of playing in the flow is the experience of spontaneous joy. Over the years of being an athlete, playing in the flow has kept me smiling and coming back for more.

Now playing with the environment you are given may be a new concept for you. It is a way for you to look at everything as an ally to your desired success. For instance, all the special equipment you use to play the sport is meant to be an ally, and in service to you. We have all witnessed expressions to the contrary where athletes have damaged, broken or tossed equipment as a way to punish their perceived foe. Another example of playing with the environment is experiencing the court or field of play as an ally. It is not an enemy trying to defeat you, but an ally to you playing your best.

You and your environment are all here to help you play better – together! Choose to play within yourself and with the environment. This overall mental approach allows you to create the conditions where you find yourself playing in the flow, improving your performance and experiencing joy.

2 Comments by on March 11, 2011
filed in Collaboration, metaWisdom, Mindfulness, Personal Development
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